The Land of Counterpane

by Robert Louis Stevenson

from a Child’s Garden of Verses 1885

1

When I was sick and lay a-bed,
I had two pillows at my head,
And all my toys beside me lay,
To keep me happy all the day. 

2

And sometimes for an hour or so
I watched my leaden soldiers go,
With different uniforms and drills,
Among the bed-clothes, through the hills; 

3

And sometimes sent my ships in fleets
All up and down among the sheets;
Or brought my trees and houses out,
And planted cities all about. 

4

I was the giant great and still
That sits upon the pillow-hill,
And sees before him, dale and plain,
The pleasant land of counterpane.

Originally posted on Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Poetry by John Lennon

An Alphabet

A is for Parrot which we can plainly see
B is for glasses which we can plainly see
C is for plastic which we can plainly see
D is for Doris
E is for binoculars I'll get in five
F is for Ethel who lives next door
G is for orange because we love to eat when we can get them because they come from abroad
H is for England and (Heather)
I is for monkey we see in the tree
J is for parrot which we can plainly see
K is for shoetop we wear to the ball
L is for Land because brown
K is for Venezula where the oranges come from
N is for Brazil near Venezuela (very near)
O is for football which we kick about a bit
T is for Tommy who won the war
Q is a garden which we can plainly see
R is for intestines which hurt when we dance
S is for pancake or whole-wheat bread
U is for Ethel who lives on the hill
P is arab and her sister will
V is for me
W is for lighter which never lights
X is for easter--have one yourself
Y is a crooked letter and you can't straighten it
Z is for Apple which we can plainly see
This is my story both humble and true
Take it to pieces and mend it with glue

About the Awful


I was bored on the 9th of Octover 1940 when, I believe, the Nasties were still booming us led by Madalf Heatlump (Who had only one). Anyway, they didn't get me. I attended to varicous schools in Liddypol. And still didn't pass-much to my Aunties supplies. As a memebr of the most publified Beatles me and (P, G, and R's) records might seem funnier to some of you than this book, but as far as I'm conceived this correction of short writty is the most wonderfoul larf I've ever ready.
God help and breed you all.

At The Denis

Madam: I have a hallowed tooth that suffer me grately.
Sir: Sly down in that legchair Madam and open your gorble wide - your mouse is all but toothless.
Madam: Alad! I have but eight tooth remaining (eight tooth left).
Sir: Then you have lost eighty three.
Madam: Impossyble.
Sir: Everydobby knows there are foor decisives two canyons and ten grundies, which make thirsty two in all.
Madam: But I have done everything to save my tooth.
Sir: Perhumps! but to no avague.
Madam: Ah! why did I not insult you sooner!
Sir: To late, it must be now or neville.
Madam: You will pull it out for me then!
Sir: No, madman, I will excrete it.
Madam: But that is very painfull.
Sir: Let me see it - Crack! there it be madacre.
Madam: But sir I wished to keep (was anxious to keep) that tooth.
Sir: It was all black and moody, and the others are too.
Madam: Mercy - I will have none to eat with soon.
Sir: A free Nasty Heath set is good, and you will look thirty years jungle.
Madam: (Aside) Thirty years jungle; (Aloud) Sir I am no catholic, pull out all my stumps.
Sir: O.K. Gummy.

Deaf Ted, Danoota, (And Me)


Thorg hilly grove and burly ive,
Big daleys grass and tree
We clobber ever gallup
Deaf Ted, Danoota, and me.

Never shall we partly stray,
Fast stirrup all we three
Fight the battle mighty sword
Deaf Ted, Danoota, and me.

With faithful frog beside us,
Big mighty club are we
The battle scab and frisky dyke
Deaf Ted, Danoota, and me.

We fight the baddy baddies,
For colour, race and cree
For Negro, Jew and Bernie
Deaf Ted, Danoota, and me.

Thorg Billy grows and Burnley ten,
And Aston Villa three
We clobber ever gallup
Deaf Ted, Danoota, and me.

So if you hear a wonderous sight,
Am blutter or at sea,
Remember whom the mighty say
Deaf Ted, Danoota, and me -
(sometimes we bring our friend, Malcolm.)

The Fat Budgie


I have a little budgie
He is my very pal
I take him walks in Britain
I hope I always shall.

I call my budgie Jeffrey
My grandads name's the same
I call him after grandad
Who had a feathered brain.

Some people don't like budgies
The little yellow brats
They eat them up for breakfast
Or give them to their cats.

My uncle ate a budgie
It was so fat and fair.
I cried and called him Ronnie
He didn't seem to care

Although his name was Arthur
It didn't mean a thing.
He went into a petshop
And ate up everything.

The doctors looked inside him,
To see what they could do,
But he had been too greedy
And died just like a zoo.

My Jeffrey chirps and twitters
When I walk into the room,
I make him scrambled egg on toast
And feed him with a spoon.

He sings like other budgies
But only when in trim
But most of all on Sunday
Thats when i plug him in.

He flies about the room sometimes
And sits upon my bed
And if he's really happy
He does it on my head.

He's on a diet now you know
From eating ear too much
They say if he gets fatter
He'll have to wear a crutch.

It would be funny wouldn't it
A budgie on a stick
Imagine all the people
Laughing til they're sick.

So that's my budgie Jeffrey
Fat and yellow too
I love him more than daddie
And I'm only thirty-two.

Good Dog Nigel

Good dog Nigel
Arf, Arf, he goes, a merry sight
Our hairy little friend
Arf,Arf, upon the lampost bright
Arfing around the bend
Nice dog! Goo Boy,
Waggie tail and beg,
Clever Nigel, jump for joy
BECAUSE WE'RE PUTTING YOU TO SLEEP AT THREE OF THE CLOCK, NIGEL.

I Sat Belonely


I sat belonely down a tree,
humbled fat and small.
A little lady sing to me
I couldn't see at all.

I'm looking up and at the sky,
to find such wondrous voice.
Puzzly puzzle, wonder why,
I hear but have no choice.

'Speak up, come forth, you ravel me',
I potty menthol shout.
'I know you hiddy by this tree'.
But still she won't come out.

Such softly singing lulled me sleep,
an hour or two or so
I wakeny slow and took a peep
and still no lady show.

Then suddy on a little twig
I thought I see a sight,
A tiny little tiny pig,
that sing with all it's might.

'I thought you were a lady'.
I giggle, - well I may,
To my suprise the lady,
got up - and flew away.

I Wandered


On balmy seas and pernie schooners
On strives and warming things
In a peanut coalshed clad
I wandered happy as a jew
To meet good Doris King.

Past grisby trees and hulky builds
Past ratters and bradder Sheep
In a resus baby stooped
I wandered hairly as A dog
To get a goobites sleep.

Down hovey lanes and stoney claves
Down rickeets and sticklysIn a fatty hebrew gurth
I wandered humply as a sock
To meet bad Bernie Smith.

A Letter


Sir,
Why are there not more pidgers and writty about our
favorit group (Berneese und zee Rippers). There are thirty-nine
of them, you know. We like it cause Alec jumb about and shoes.
Pleese send a stabbed undressed envelope of Bern and Ern
dancing and doing their splendid to entertain a most deserting
group and we hope this fires you as you keeler.
An admirrer.

Afan

The Moldy Moldy Man


I'm a moldy moldy man
I'm moldy thru and thru
I'm a moldy moldy man
You would not think it's true
I'm moldy till my eyeballs
I'm moldy til my toe
I will not dance I shyballs
I'm such a Humble Joe.

Randolf's Party

It was Chrisbus time but Randolph was alone. Where were all his good pals. Bernie, Dave, Nicky, Alice, Beddy, Freba, Viggy, Nigel, Alfred, clive, Stan, Frenk, Tom, Harry, George, Harold? Where were they on this day? Randolf looged saggly at his only Chrispbut cart from his dad who did not live there.

'I can't understan this being so aloneley on the one day of the year when one would surely spect a pal or two?' thought Rangolf. Hanyway he carried on putting up the desicrations and muzzle toe. All of a surgeon there was amerry timble on the door. Who but who could be knocking on my door? He opened it and there standing there who? but only his pals. Bernie, Dave, Nicky, Alice, Beddy, Freba, Viggy, Nigel, Alfred, Clive, Stan, Frenk, Tom, Harry, Geroge, Harolb weren't they?

Come on in old pals buddys and mates. With a big griff on his face Randoff welcombed them. In they came jorking and labbing shoubing 'Haddy Grimmble, Randoob.' and other hearty, and then they all jumbed on him and smite him with mighty blows about his head crying, 'We never liked you all the years we've known you. You were never raelly one of us you know, soft head.'

They killed him you know, at least he didn't DIE alone did he? Merry Chrustchove, Randolf old pal buddy.

Sad Michael


There was no reason for Michael to be sad that morning, (the little wretch); everyone liked him, (the scab). He'd had a hard days night that day, for Michael was a Cocky Watchtower. His wife Bernie, who was well controlled, had wrabbed his norman lunch but he was still sad. It was strange for a man whom have everything and a wife to boot. At 4 o'clock when his fire was burking bridely a Poleaseman had clubbed in to parse the time around. ‘Goodeven Michael,’ the Poleaseman speeg, but Michael did not answer for he was debb and duff and could not speeg.

‘How's the wive, Michael’ spoge the Poleaseman.

‘Shuttup about that!’

‘I thought you were debb and duff and could not speeg,’ said the Poleaseman.

‘Now what am I going to do with all my debb and duff books?’ said Michael, realising straight away that here was a problem to be reckoned with.

Snore Wife and Some Several Dwarts


Once upon upon in a dizney far away - say three hundred year agoal if you like-there lived in a sneaky forest some several dwarts or cretins; all named - Sleezy, Grumpty, Sneeky, Dog, Smirkey, Alice? Derick - and Wimpey. Anyway they all dug about in a diamond mind, which was rich beyond compere. Every day when they came hulme from wirk, they would sing a song - just like ordinary wirkers - the song went something like - 'Yo, ho! Yo, ho! it's off to wirk we go!' - which is silly really considerable they were comeing hulme. (Perhaps ther was slight housework to be do.)

One day howitzer they (Dwarts) arrived home, at aprodestant six o'cloth, and who? - who do they find? - but only Snore Wife, asleep in Grumpty's bed. He didn't seem to mine. 'Sambody's been feeding my porrage!' screams Wimpey, who was wearing a light blue pullover. Meanwife in a grand Carstle, not so a mile away, a womand is looging in her daily mirror shouting, 'Mirror mirror on the wall, whom is de fairy in the land.' which doesn't even rhyme. 'Cassandle!' answers the mirror. 'Chirsh O'Malley' studders the womand who appears to be a Queen or a witch or an acorn.

A Surprise for Little Bobby


It was little Bobby's birthmark today and he got a surprise. His very fist was lopped off, (The War) and he got a birthday hook!
All his life Bobby had wanted his very own hook; and now on his 39th birthday his pwayers had been answered. The only trouble was they had send him a left hook and ebry dobby knows that it was Bobby's right fist that was missing as it were.
What to do was not thee only problem: Anyway he jopped off his lest hand and it fitted like a glove. Maybe next year he will get a right hook, who knows?

Two Virgins

WONSAPONATIME there was two Ballons called Jock and Yono. They were strictly in love-bound to happen in a million years. They were together man. Unfortunatimetable they both seemed to have previous experience--which kept calling them one way oranother (you know howitis). But they battled on against overwhelming oddites, includo some of there beast friends. Being in love they cloong even more together man--but some of the poisonessmonster of outrated buslodedshithrowers did stick slightly and tey occaasionaly had to resort to the drycleaners. Luckily this did not kill them and they werent banned from the olympic games. They lived hopefully every after, and who could blame them...

Thanks to: http://www.beatlelinks.net/forums/archive/index.php/t-7317.html

Originally posted on Tuesday, 15 March 2011

The Charge Of The Light Brigade

The Charge Of The Light Brigade

by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Memorializing Events at the Battle of Balaclava, Wednesday 25^th October 1854
Written in 1854

Published on Saturday, 9^th December 1854 in The Examiner

1

Half a league half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred:
'Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns' he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

2

'Forward, the Light Brigade!'
Was there a man dismay'd ?
Not tho' the soldier knew
Some one had blunder'd:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do & die,
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

3

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon in front of them
Volley'd & thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
Boldly they rode and well,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of Hell
Rode the six hundred.

4

Flash'd all their sabres bare,
Flash'd as they turn'd in air
Sabring the gunners there,
Charging an army while
All the world wonder'd:
Plunged in the battery-smoke
Right thro' the line they broke;
Cossack & Russian
Reel'd from the sabre-stroke,
Shatter'd & sunder'd.
Then they rode back, but not
Not the six hundred.

5

Cannon to right of them,
Cannon to left of them,
Cannon behind them
Volley'd and thunder'd;
Storm'd at with shot and shell,
While horse & hero fell,
They that had fought so well
Came thro' the jaws of Death,
Back from the mouth of Hell,
All that was left of them,
Left of six hundred.

6

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wonder'd.
Honour the charge they made!
Honour the Light Brigade,
Noble six hundred!

 

Originally posted on Tuesday, 15 March 2011

 

 

Specialist Subject: UK Progressive Rock from 1968 to 1978

Mastermind BBC 1, 29^th September 2010

Simon Martin, Occupation: Regional Manager

Specialist Subject: UK Progressive Rock from 1968 to 1978

1. Which Canterbury band formed in 1972, by Phil Miller among others, was named after a motorway road sign?

2. Who was the co-founder, main songwriter and lead vocalist of Van der Graaf Generator?

3. Which keyboard instrument pioneered by Henry Chamberlain and deriving its sound from prerecorded tapes of various instruments was used by many prog rock musicians?

4. Which Welsh band lead by Micky Jones and Deke Leonard had four top 40 albums in the '70's including Back Into the Future?

5. What is the real first name of the Barclay James Harvest keyboard player Woolly Wolstenholme?

6. In 1972 which Jethro Tull album reached the top of the American charts and number 5 in the UK?

7. What is the name of the central character on the Genesis concept album The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway?

8. Which band was formed in 1972 when Peter Bardens teamed up with three members of Phillip Goodhand-Tate’s backing band?

9. Who replaced Darryl Way in Curved Air in 1973 before leaving the band the same year to join Roxy Music?
10. Which band was formed at Cambridge University in 1968 by Fred Frith and Tim Hodgkinson?
11. What was the title of the first Emerson, Lake and Palmer album to be released on the band’s own label Manticore?
12. Which subsidiary label of Decca named after a sound system released music by Caravan, Camel, Moody Blues, Egg, and others?
13. What is the surname of the brothers Derek, Ray and Phil who formed Gentle Giant after their previous group Simon Dupee and the Big Sound folded?
14. The two main founders of Atomic Rooster, Vincent Crane and Carl Palmer, had previously been members of which band?
15. In which venue was Rick Wakeman’s album The Myths and Legends of King Arthur premiered on ice in 1975?
16. Who was King Crimson's lyricist until 1972, his work with Robert Fripp included In the Court of the Crimson King?

ANSWERS 1. Hatfield & the North 2. Peter Hammill 3. Mellotron 4. Man 5. Stewart 6. Thick as a Brick 7. Rael 8. Camel 9. Eddie Jobson 10. Henry Cow 11. Brain Salad Surgery 12. Deram 13. Shulman 14. The Crazy World of Arthur Brown 15. Empire Pool Wembley 16. Pete Sinfield

Originally posted on Monday 14th March 2011

Mr Majeiker and the School Inspector

Thursday, 10 March 2011

M

y understanding was that I would be with year 4 in the morning and year 5 in the afternoon. But, as it turned out, I was teaching year 4 to morning break and year 5 for the rest of the day. When Mrs Strident described the first lesson, English, she almost defied me to get it wrong. Any assumptions I made and anything I thought I could remember about her routines were wrong and firmly corrected. The work was based around an extract from Mr Majeiker and the School Inspector by Humphrey Carpenter. The class was expected to take turns in reading the text, write some sentences with sub-clauses and continue the story. Mrs Strident emphasised the importance of the sentence level work in their English books as it represented whether or not they had achieved the objectives. Later, when marking the books, I could see that she wrote some comments, but stamped the sentence level with ‘working towards . . . ‘ or ‘object achieved’. I could not find her stamp and had to write comments anyway. At the end of the lesson, I noticed I had mistakenly done the plenary as part of the warm-up and introduction. The children seemed slightly unsettled by the fact I had not done these things identically to Mrs Strident, but it was too late and not the end of the world.

Year 4 maths, with the class, not sets, took the form of various groups working on different methods of multiplication: grids, number lines and arrays. Mrs Strident said she had spent nearly the whole of the previous lesson explaining each method in turn, while the other groups had to sit and wait, so she was keen for me to launch straight into the work. She felt the dilemma would be repeated, if I explained the work again and, in any case, some children would be confused. Despite her anxiety, it goes against my instinct not to introduce work at the start of the lesson. In my experience, the hackneyed old cliché ‘they know what to do’ is rarely demonstrated to be the case. However, all I could do was explain the organisational situation to the children and hope for the best. They worked well independently and most could remember the methods. The most frequent errors occurred with the grid method; the children becoming confused with tens and hundreds, making their answers wildly incorrect. One child asked, “How long are you with us?” When I replied, “All day,” some appeared delighted, others not.       

At break I struggled to mark as many books as I could, while unwillingly supervising a pupil who was required to stay in and finish his homework. I then trekked to year 5 for their maths lesson. We had to construct an example bar graph together, step-by-step. After this, the children had to choose a survey, present the data in a tally chart and draw the resultant graph. When Miss Conscientious re-appeared at lunchtime, she seemed disappointed that we had not completed drawing the second graphs. I just felt relieved we had got as far as some children starting them. Teachers do not realise that it takes longer for me, as a supply teacher, to complete the work, as the routines are not mine. There were also a number of interruptions with messages from other teachers and an LSA withdrawing individuals.   

Science in the afternoon was filtering sandy water using different types of paper: filter, paper towels, A4, sugar and newspaper. The children, in groups of about four, could choose any three and made predictions based on their knowledge of the properties. They also chose the apparatus and drew diagrams of their experiment, which meant the filters in funnels balanced on test tubes or flasks. Sandy water was measured into the filter/funnels, allowed to run into the test tube or flask and observed to identify the level of cleanliness. Each example of filtered water was shown on the worksheets as a coloured side-view of the flask. Unfortunately, sand is a good filter itself and did not make the water dirty, so it gave a clear sample almost every time. Another problem was with the ‘second-hand’ sugar paper with marker ink, which produced bright pink filtered water. After assembly, at the end of the day, Miss Conscientious did not seem to understand, but was not unhappy with the fact I switched to new, clean sugar paper. Behaviour had been reasonable although I spoke to Defiant about leaving the room without permission and Argumentative about arguing.

     

During the assembly in the hall, Mrs Untidy, with two children, performed a Red Nose Day song to the school. She threw herself into it by singing almost solo with a variety of dance moves, of which any Hollywood musical star would have been proud. When it was the trun of the whole school, the headteacher, as he walked past me, jokingly said, “Come on sing and dance.” I thought I was doing my best as I did not know the song and there were other teachers not singing at all.   

I had to retrace my steps to complete the marking. In one of the rooms, the teacher had a little display of gifts from children, mostly bears and picture frams, each with a slogan such as ‘thank you teacher’, ‘best teacher’ and ‘to my favourite teacher’. These little shrines built by the teacher to themselves, often fill me with a mixture of feelings. On the one hand they are one of those things I see teachers doing, which I know I did myself and wish I had not. On the other, I cannot help feel a tinge of jealousy, both at the teacher’s popularity and contract with their own class. On my way out of the door, I said goodbye to the headteacher. He asked if I’d had good day, to which I replied the children were well-behaved. A voice from his office said, “Goodbye, we will see you soon.” This, I think, was the deputy, Mrs Strident.   

Mr Majeiker and the School Inspector by Humphrey Carpenter can be read here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Majeika-School-Inspector-Humphrey-Carpenter/dp/0140362886#reader_0140362886

Thursday, 10 March 2011 pt2

To Miss With Love Episode 4

The fourth of five parts of To Miss with Love is broadcast today on BBC Radio 4 at 9:45am - 10:00am (Thursday 10 March 2011). It is the diary of inner-city teacher Katharine Birbalsingh, who has been teaching in a state school, read by Adjoa Andoh.

I missed this episode because I was working today.

Friday, 11 March 2011

To Miss With Love Episode 5

The last of five parts of To Miss with Love is broadcast today on BBC Radio 4 at 9:45am - 10:00am (Friday 09 March 2011). It is the diary of inner-city teacher Katharine Birbalsingh, who has been teaching in a state school, read by Adjoa Andoh.

In this episode, the diary entries include:

(i) Munchkin, Psycho and Fifty are with Miss Reliable in the office. The school offers to buy Fifty a pair of shoes, but his father is too proud, leaving the dilemma of a child in trainers. Snuffy is on the phone to Mrs Crackpot, who does not want her daughter, Psycho, sent home for misbehaviour;

(ii) While on a coach trip to Oxford University, Dopey is joyous at seeing a real cow. Seething does not have the patience for the journey;

(iii) Stoic invites Snuffy to a monitoring scheme with which he is involved. She is impressed at the attitude of Stoic and the other black children;

(iv) It is the last English exam and the paper is good. Snuffy is praying for ‘C’s. Seeing this, Dopey says, “We’ll do it for you, Miss.”

(v) In a staff meeting, the head, Mr Goodheart, announces that Ofsted is in school tomorrow;

(vi) The staff discuss their experiences of the inspections. Ms Magical says she has been given a ‘3’ for a fifteen-minute observation, despite her lengthy career. Snuffy reassures her that she is outstanding. Cavalier returns to school in his uniform, but he has been excluded. He breaks a bottle over Furious’s head and knocks him to the ground, amidst a welter of tears and blood. Mr Sporty offers to covertly call for an ambulance.   

(vii) The head thanks Snuffy for being discrete yesterday, regarding Furious and Cavalier. Ofsted grade the school ‘A2’, giving them ‘good’ status.

(viii) Mr Goodheart says Furious’s parents have sent him to school in Nigeria. Deranged, Seething, Beautiful, Psycho and Dopey open their results. Most get ‘C’s including a delighted Dopey.  

(ix) Snuffy looks up at Obama’s words on the wall of her office, as she does everyday, before going out on to the playground, “I will never forget that the only reason I'm standing here today is because somebody, somewhere stood up for me when it was risky. Stood up when it was hard. Stood up when it wasn't popular. And because that somebody stood up, a few more stood up. And then a few thousand stood up. And then a few million stood up. And standing up, with courage and clear purpose, they somehow managed to change the world”.

Saturday, 12 March 2011

I sent the following to the 38 degrees online petition regarding the treatment of supply teachers:

As a supply teacher I have had to experience the following:

- My local supply registers being handed to agencies, without the LEAs consulting teachers;

- Agencies undercutting nationally agreed scale pay;

- Agencies co-signing a contract to pay an amount, which they subsequently and substantially decrease without consultation;

- A lack of support from LEAs regarding agencies;

- The failure of current statute and employment law to protect my interests;

- Agency pay being cut, instead of increased in line with inflation, over the last nine years;

- Agencies failing to provide a pension and the employers' contribution;

- Agencies paying lip service to holiday pay;

- Headteachers accepting unqualified staff to undertake supply work in their schools;

- A lack of appropriate protection, information, support and guidance from agencies;

- Lectures from agencies on professionalism, while they remain unregulated;

- A lack of professionalism and respect from agencies and their staff;

- An absence of professional development and in-service training;

- Agencies withdrawing work without an explanation;

- Frequent ‘errors’ over pay from agencies, which are always in their favour;

- Inappropriate conduct from agency staff, including aggressive or threatening behaviour and bad manners;

- Requests from different agencies for CRB checks, at my own expense;

- Paying for the GTC subscription at my own expense;

- Having a number of employers and therefore being taxed on the basic rate;

- Having to claim rebates after being taxed on the basic rate.

Sent to 38 degrees at:

http://38degrees.uservoice.com/forums/78585-campaign-suggestions/suggestions/1424291-the-use-of-unqualified-staff-as-cover-teachers-i

Originally posted on Monday, 14 March 2011

Things You Would Never Hear a Supply Teacher Say 2

Plus:

I love the Supply Top 20 thread - how about a thread a la Mock the Week (or Whose line Is It Anyway for those old enough to remember!). "OK - no-one is going out to break until whoever has taken the sawn off shot gun out of my briefcase owns up.”

1.      Thanks for setting them the 'design a poster' lesson - it's one of my all time favourites.

2.      No, I'm busy today, thanks.

3.      Chardonnay, Dwaine and Shane... they're my favourite names, you know!

4.      OK, you can sit under the tables, seeing as your usual teacher lets you.

5.      No, I'm not a proper teacher.

6.      Where would we be without cover supervisors?'

7.      Where should I *** off to?"

8.      I love the early morning telephone call!

9.      I don't mind staying behind after school. Yes of course I'll do the parents evening.

10.  I am definitely here until Christmas.

11.  This is the best school I’ve ever worked in.

12.  Yes please stay, the more TAs the merrier.

13.  Good morning children, my name is Mrs X - what's that? Yes, I am married to Mr X, your Geography Teacher.

14.  It's so nice to feel valued by a school.

15.  I think you are paying me too much.

16.  Of course I'll go outside, I love freezing to death and standing out in the rain, wind, snow, blizzard and hurricane!

17.  What can I buy my agency for Christmas?

18.  Or, Good morning children my name is Mr X-what's that? No, I am not in a civil partnership with Mr X, your geography teacher.

19.  Of course I'm happy to do duty, even though I know it's not normally this teacher's turn.

20.  Of course I'm happy to do duty. It's my 5th duty this week.

21.  I'm sorry - I think I'll take the day off today as I've worked every day this term!

22.  I've just secured a mortage.

23.  I think cover supervisors should be classified as professionals, given professional qualifications and be allowed to teach.

24.  I wish I was a cover supervisor.

25.  Yes, it was me that designed this crap cover lesson.

26.  Yes, it's OK. Although I'm standing in for the Head of ICT for the next week, I fully understand and appreciate your reasons for not giving me an ICT network log in.

27.  I'm having to do this because I can't hack it in a permanent role.

28.  Oh excellent! Your daily supply pack contains an accurate map, a full staff list, up-to-date SEN information and no lengthy photocopies of utterly irrelevant policies that I'll have no time to read - how helpful.

29.  I really miss parent evenings.

30.  A pay rise in recognition of planning and marking? Thank you very much!

31.  Leprosy, how kind of you to include me.

32.  I fully appreciate your opinion of my teaching skills, Mrs TA.

33.  Thank you for taking the time to show me where the staff loos are.

34.  An open morning? Excellent! Just give me a second to . . . . ah, the IWB is not working . .  . hello? HELLO!?

35.  I have no money worries.

36.  Feedback to teacher: The children thoroughly enjoyed the copying from the text book activity and thus were fully engaged and on task during the whole lesson.

37.  I do love to stand around in the corridor waiting for someone to turn up with a key to let me in the classroom.

38.  I agree that it's unfair that we earn more for doing supply than a permanent teacher does.

39.  Yes, we do earn more on supply than permanent teachers!

40.  That's right, four lessons is half a day.

41.  So you don't need me for next week after all, despite telling me and my agency that I would be wanted.  And you have waited until Friday 4.00 to tell me.  What a lovely surprise holiday!

42.  Thank you so much God for placing me in a school today where I had to run 'design a cover' lessons six times in a row with awkward children from 4 different year groups. What a shining example of imagination and differentiation.

43.  Wow, yes, a "Pay Your Tithes Here," poster made in illuminated letters using Publisher, exactly captures the work of the medieval monks.

44.  I just smile indulgently whenever the projector's remote has been locked in the teacher's desk drawer. It's not like it's going to make the lesson more difficult is it?

45.  What a wonderful lesson. The kids knew exactly what to do and had all the information they needed in their exercise books, just like their teacher said they would!

46.  No I don't mind telling you my work history so you can decide if I'm qualified to teach the children, even though you are not SMT or the head.

47.  You are so right I am waiting for a 'proper' job, especially given this is not a really a job, just a hobby I get paid for.

48.  No really I loved the class, especially the challenging ones that you have only just decided to tell me (at the end of the day) have difficult home situations/ SEN/ should have a support worker who spent the whole day *** about and doing anything but their job etc.

49.  No really please don't bother to learn my name I love being called the supply, and being talked about in the staff room as if I'm not here.

50.  Just called at the agency to drop in a bottle of wine and box of chocolates as a big thank you.

51.  Just booked the Canaries for Christmas, fancied a change from the Alps.

52.  My cleaner's such a treasure.

53.  Sorry can't come in today, I'm on a course.

54.  This netbook was a real bargain-only £700

55.  Where are we having our Christmas night out this year? (I knew there had to be at least one compensation!)

56.  My favourite time of the day is what I call 'The Golden Hour'. It's that magical time between 7.30 am and 8.30 am when the pure excitement of the 'will I/won't I get a call' is positively intoxicating!

57.  No that's alright. I fully understand you've not paid me this week - pesky clerical errors.

58.  Yes, the plans/note you left me were very clear, thank you.

59.  I can’t do that school today, the dog ate my memory stick.

60.  A big class ey? The more the merrier!'

61.  Hands up children if you think I’m crap.

62.  I like having chairs thrown at me.

63.  Obey me or the class pet gets it.

64.  No I don't have a home to go to - have you got any more marking for me to do? It's only 5pm. 

65.  No, it's absolutely fine that I had to stand in the cold for half an hour waiting for someone to let me in. You never know what weirdo is going to buzz reception these days, do you?

66.  Yes, I'm the weirdo in the white car who's been cruising around outside.

67.  Yes, I'm the one that's been lurking around outside the staff room door waiting to sneak in with someone with a fob, but it's OK, I have my own coffee, mug, milk, sugar and hot water, thanks.

68.  Oh they're a challenging/lively class and I just need to be firm with them - my favourite type of children.

69.  Fear not - the complete absence of SEN information for this bottom set is not a problem for me. My psychic superpowers will instantly pinpoint the child with anger management issues and a very short fuse.

70.  No I am not worried about have a a bottom set SEN dominated class in the isolated portacabin on the other side of the fields.

71.  I'm sorry Mrs. Hobson thought I was looking at her funny. I've seen my optician and he says my lazy eye seems to focus on ugly women, so he's given me an eye patch.

72.  More than "proper"...fully registered, very well qualified, highly experienced and just RARING TO GO! Will you zoom with me?

73.  No, I'm not a proper teacher.

74.  Sorry, can't work today I'm having my nails done.

75.  Yes you have called me on a day when I told you in advance that I can't work, I'll just re-arrange my doctor’s app/dentist app/car service/loved ones funeral and I'll be at work in a jiffy.

76.  That's right I'm being Anne for the day, indeed it is probably best if you refer to me as 'You’re being Anne aren't you?' and introduce me as such, it will save a lot of confusion and I'm not really worthy of my own identity as I only came into being at the moment your secretary phoned my agency.

77.  No, I didn't know Queen Victoria personally, but I can still tell you a lot about her . . .

78.  No, I'm sorry, I'm not available for work today as I have an appointment with my stockbroker to discuss my burgeoning investment portfolio.

79.  Why don't I use this quiet time to take that long holiday I've always wanted? I think there is a reason, if I could only just think of it.

80.  Hello children, I’m not your real teacher so you can say what you want to me because I wont be back.'

81.  Theres nothing I like more than getting up at 7:15am on a potential day off.

82.  I just love it when my agency says they’ll get back to me in the next few days regarding a job I was desperate for, then after a week of being ignored, its so nice of them to respond to my concern with, “Oh yeah, that position was filled last week” . .   . I love my agency.

83.  Dear class teacher. It's absolutely fine by me that you don't leave me any notes, I really enjoy planning a lesson for a group of children I’ve never seen before in a matter of minutes whilst also being in strange environment. Please do it more often as I like to be stressed on a daily basis. Many thanks"

84.  It makes me feel wonderful when I am referred to as 'the supply' . . . in fact, I am considering changing my name by deed poll because I like it so much.

85.  I think it's unfair that I get paid more on a daily basis than you with your 'real' job.

86.  I am not at all concerned that it's only 4 weeks until Christmas and I haven't had

87.  work since the beginning of November . . . I love being skint.

88.  Yes, it's appalling that I don't join in with the school prayer having received it through telepathy. And of course every school prayer is identical. Silly me.

89.  You're right, silly me. Of course you can create the video store database with only three tables.

90.  Oh, you’re the head of department are you? No, no, it's fine - I've managed perfectly for the last four days without seeing hair-nor-hide of you.

91.  Of course I would be happy to do playground duty, it's my favourite part of the day. You go out in the pouring rain? Oh OK.

92.  So I'm taking KS1 before break and KS2 after break. OK . . . Oh and their break times are staggered so as soon as I finish one class I need to proceed immediately to the next. No obviously I don't need a break of any kind - my bladder is iron clad! And drinks are for wusses!

93.  Of course I can find my way around the school, all schools are the same and if all else fails, I have a satnav -- Thank you so much for not having any resources in your classroom -- Oh no don't worry I love early morning calls -- I got the call at 8:40 and school starts at 8:50 so I went through the red lights, flew past the speed cameras and broke the land speed record to get here just for you -- I'm psychic so of course I know that they line up in a particular order, need to be collected off the playground -- I'm actually fantastic at picking locks and guessing passwords so I will be ok when it comes to using the laptop or getting through those locked doors which lead to the staff room -- I understand that you can't give me a fob so I can get around school and into the staff room but I am fine to go into the classroom and teach the children -- Of course it's fine if I eat my dinner in the classroom so you can have a meeting in the staffroom with the rest of the staff whilst you all eat your lunch.

94.  Of course you can borrow a pen, dismantle it and leave the bits on the floor. Would you like a pencil to snap in half too?

95.  Your pen just exploded? We'd better report this danger.

96.  Thanks for writing my first name as well as my surname on my ID badge, it's so much more informal and relaxed if the children keep shouting my first name across the classroom.

97.  Thank you Miss HOD for apologising to the class and asking them to 'bear with us' for having to have me, 'the supply', teach them today in the paid absence (again!) of their timetabled teacher!

98.  Yes, I do understand that the seating plans on the teacher's desk are no longer up-to-date and your teacher has agreed to you all sitting with your friends because you work better that way. S/he just hasn't got round to making new seating plans.

99.  The timetable says break is at 11a.m but it's clearly a misprint because you've just told me that lesson 2 finishes at 10.50.

100.          My mistake! When I told you off about your outrageous behaviour 5 minutes ago and said that it was an official warning, it didn't actually count towards your allowance of 3 allowed misdemeanours per lesson because I was completely out of order in not sign-posting it as C1/2/3 (Consequences) on the school's Sanction system.  The warning is therefore invalid and you may break another school rule with impunity!  It's only fair for your human rights to be safeguarded.

101.          Don't worry that you didn't let me know that child ‘A’ has aspergers/ ADHD/ life threatening condition. I soon worked it out. 

102.          What am I doing for Xmas? Oh I'm off to the Caribbean for a 3 week cruise.

103.          I've had two days in the last month . . . and the grand total of 7 days this term! So yes, I'm becoming expert at being skint - and I love not working! (Bah humbug!)

104.          CRB? What's that? Really? Things have changed since I've been away. Yes that's Myra with a 'y'.

105.          My car? It's an Aston Martin DBS UB-2010 Limited Edition.

106.          To bottom set Yr 9 boys (after putting several of them in detention): You're interested in cars? How wonderful that you are engaged with something!  Perhaps it will lead to engineering work. Of course I'll tell you which car I drive!

107.          Yes Headteacher I'd love to give you some objective, well qualified feedback about how well your systems work for an outsider.

108.          Yes, of course I've read and digested your 28 page (yes 28 page) Child protection policy prior to one days work.

109.          You’re right Kylie, commuting from the far North East of London to the far South West of London is no problem.  It is, after all, still London.

110.          I wouldn't be seen dead buying Sainsbury's Basics.

111.          Where's Wayne? He's just been through my sonic transmogrifier and he's now the third hamster in the hamster cage. I'm not called planetx for nothing.

Thanks to TES Supply Teacher Forum

Originally posted on Wednesday 9th March 2011