Welcome to my Blog which combines the unlikely topics of supply teaching with progressive rock. Here you will find my ongoing 'Diary of a Surviving Supply Teacher' and a variety of lists/ timelines/ articles on progressive rock.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Things You Would Never Hear a Supply Teacher Say 2

I love the Supply Top 20 thread - how about a thread a la Mock the Week (or Whose line Is It Anyway for those old enough to remember!). "OK - no-one is going out to break until whoever has taken the sawn off shot gun out of my briefcase owns up.”

1.      Thanks for setting them the 'design a poster' lesson - it's one of my all time favourites.

2.      No, I'm busy today, thanks.

3.      Chardonnay, Dwaine and Shane... they're my favourite names, you know!

4.      OK, you can sit under the tables, seeing as your usual teacher lets you.

5.      No, I'm not a proper teacher.

6.      Where would we be without cover supervisors?'

7.      Where should I *** off to?"

8.      I love the early morning telephone call!

9.      I don't mind staying behind after school. Yes of course I'll do the parents evening.

10.  I am definitely here until Christmas.

11.  This is the best school I’ve ever worked in.

12.  Yes please stay, the more TAs the merrier.

13.  Good morning children, my name is Mrs X - what's that? Yes, I am married to Mr X, your Geography Teacher.

14.  It's so nice to feel valued by a school.

15.  I think you are paying me too much.

16.  Of course I'll go outside, I love freezing to death and standing out in the rain, wind, snow, blizzard and hurricane!

17.  What can I buy my agency for Christmas?

18.  Or, Good morning children my name is Mr X-what's that? No, I am not in a civil partnership with Mr X, your geography teacher.

19.  Of course I'm happy to do duty, even though I know it's not normally this teacher's turn.

20.  Of course I'm happy to do duty. It's my 5th duty this week.

21.  I'm sorry - I think I'll take the day off today as I've worked every day this term!

22.  I've just secured a mortage.

23.  I think cover supervisors should be classified as professionals, given professional qualifications and be allowed to teach.

24.  I wish I was a cover supervisor.

25.  Yes, it was me that designed this crap cover lesson.

26.  Yes, it's OK. Although I'm standing in for the Head of ICT for the next week, I fully understand and appreciate your reasons for not giving me an ICT network log in.

27.  I'm having to do this because I can't hack it in a permanent role.

28.  Oh excellent! Your daily supply pack contains an accurate map, a full staff list, up-to-date SEN information and no lengthy photocopies of utterly irrelevant policies that I'll have no time to read - how helpful.

29.  I really miss parent evenings.

30.  A pay rise in recognition of planning and marking? Thank you very much!

31.  Leprosy, how kind of you to include me.

32.  I fully appreciate your opinion of my teaching skills, Mrs TA.

33.  Thank you for taking the time to show me where the staff loos are.

34.  An open morning? Excellent! Just give me a second to . . . . ah, the IWB is not working . .  . hello? HELLO!?

35.  I have no money worries.

36.  Feedback to teacher: The children thoroughly enjoyed the copying from the text book activity and thus were fully engaged and on task during the whole lesson.

37.  I do love to stand around in the corridor waiting for someone to turn up with a key to let me in the classroom.

38.  I agree that it's unfair that we earn more for doing supply than a permanent teacher does.

39.  Yes, we do earn more on supply than permanent teachers!

40.  That's right, four lessons is half a day.

41.  So you don't need me for next week after all, despite telling me and my agency that I would be wanted.  And you have waited until Friday 4.00 to tell me.  What a lovely surprise holiday!

42.  Thank you so much God for placing me in a school today where I had to run 'design a cover' lessons six times in a row with awkward children from 4 different year groups. What a shining example of imagination and differentiation.

43.  Wow, yes, a "Pay Your Tithes Here," poster made in illuminated letters using Publisher, exactly captures the work of the medieval monks.

44.  I just smile indulgently whenever the projector's remote has been locked in the teacher's desk drawer. It's not like it's going to make the lesson more difficult is it?

45.  What a wonderful lesson. The kids knew exactly what to do and had all the information they needed in their exercise books, just like their teacher said they would!

46.  No I don't mind telling you my work history so you can decide if I'm qualified to teach the children, even though you are not SMT or the head.

47.  You are so right I am waiting for a 'proper' job, especially given this is not a really a job, just a hobby I get paid for.

48.  No really I loved the class, especially the challenging ones that you have only just decided to tell me (at the end of the day) have difficult home situations/ SEN/ should have a support worker who spent the whole day *** about and doing anything but their job etc.

49.  No really please don't bother to learn my name I love being called the supply, and being talked about in the staff room as if I'm not here.

50.  Just called at the agency to drop in a bottle of wine and box of chocolates as a big thank you.

51.  Just booked the Canaries for Christmas, fancied a change from the Alps.

52.  My cleaner's such a treasure.

53.  Sorry can't come in today, I'm on a course.

54.  This netbook was a real bargain-only £700

55.  Where are we having our Christmas night out this year? (I knew there had to be at least one compensation!)

56.  My favourite time of the day is what I call 'The Golden Hour'. It's that magical time between 7.30 am and 8.30 am when the pure excitement of the 'will I/won't I get a call' is positively intoxicating!

57.  No that's alright. I fully understand you've not paid me this week - pesky clerical errors.

58.  Yes, the plans/note you left me were very clear, thank you.

59.  I can’t do that school today, the dog ate my memory stick.

60.  A big class ey? The more the merrier!'

61.  Hands up children if you think I’m crap.

62.  I like having chairs thrown at me.

63.  Obey me or the class pet gets it.

64.  No I don't have a home to go to - have you got any more marking for me to do? It's only 5pm. 

65.  No, it's absolutely fine that I had to stand in the cold for half an hour waiting for someone to let me in. You never know what weirdo is going to buzz reception these days, do you?

66.  Yes, I'm the weirdo in the white car who's been cruising around outside.

67.  Yes, I'm the one that's been lurking around outside the staff room door waiting to sneak in with someone with a fob, but it's OK, I have my own coffee, mug, milk, sugar and hot water, thanks.

68.  Oh they're a challenging/lively class and I just need to be firm with them - my favourite type of children.

69.  Fear not - the complete absence of SEN information for this bottom set is not a problem for me. My psychic superpowers will instantly pinpoint the child with anger management issues and a very short fuse.

70.  No I am not worried about have a a bottom set SEN dominated class in the isolated portacabin on the other side of the fields.

71.  I'm sorry Mrs. Hobson thought I was looking at her funny. I've seen my optician and he says my lazy eye seems to focus on ugly women, so he's given me an eye patch.

72.  More than "proper"...fully registered, very well qualified, highly experienced and just RARING TO GO! Will you zoom with me?

73.  No, I'm not a proper teacher.

74.  Sorry, can't work today I'm having my nails done.

75.  Yes you have called me on a day when I told you in advance that I can't work, I'll just re-arrange my doctor’s app/dentist app/car service/loved ones funeral and I'll be at work in a jiffy.

76.  That's right I'm being Anne for the day, indeed it is probably best if you refer to me as 'You’re being Anne aren't you?' and introduce me as such, it will save a lot of confusion and I'm not really worthy of my own identity as I only came into being at the moment your secretary phoned my agency.

77.  No, I didn't know Queen Victoria personally, but I can still tell you a lot about her . . .

78.  No, I'm sorry, I'm not available for work today as I have an appointment with my stockbroker to discuss my burgeoning investment portfolio.

79.  Why don't I use this quiet time to take that long holiday I've always wanted? I think there is a reason, if I could only just think of it.

80.  Hello children, I’m not your real teacher so you can say what you want to me because I wont be back.'

81.  Theres nothing I like more than getting up at 7:15am on a potential day off.

82.  I just love it when my agency says they’ll get back to me in the next few days regarding a job I was desperate for, then after a week of being ignored, its so nice of them to respond to my concern with, “Oh yeah, that position was filled last week” . .   . I love my agency.

83.  Dear class teacher. It's absolutely fine by me that you don't leave me any notes, I really enjoy planning a lesson for a group of children I’ve never seen before in a matter of minutes whilst also being in strange environment. Please do it more often as I like to be stressed on a daily basis. Many thanks"

84.  It makes me feel wonderful when I am referred to as 'the supply' . . . in fact, I am considering changing my name by deed poll because I like it so much.

85.  I think it's unfair that I get paid more on a daily basis than you with your 'real' job.

86.  I am not at all concerned that it's only 4 weeks until Christmas and I haven't had
87.  work since the beginning of November . . . I love being skint.

88.  Yes, it's appalling that I don't join in with the school prayer having received it through telepathy. And of course every school prayer is identical. Silly me.

89.  You're right, silly me. Of course you can create the video store database with only three tables.

90.  Oh, you’re the head of department are you? No, no, it's fine - I've managed perfectly for the last four days without seeing hair-nor-hide of you.

91.  Of course I would be happy to do playground duty, it's my favourite part of the day. You go out in the pouring rain? Oh OK.

92.  So I'm taking KS1 before break and KS2 after break. OK . . . Oh and their break times are staggered so as soon as I finish one class I need to proceed immediately to the next. No obviously I don't need a break of any kind - my bladder is iron clad! And drinks are for wusses!

93.  Of course I can find my way around the school, all schools are the same and if all else fails, I have a satnav -- Thank you so much for not having any resources in your classroom -- Oh no don't worry I love early morning calls -- I got the call at 8:40 and school starts at 8:50 so I went through the red lights, flew past the speed cameras and broke the land speed record to get here just for you -- I'm psychic so of course I know that they line up in a particular order, need to be collected off the playground -- I'm actually fantastic at picking locks and guessing passwords so I will be ok when it comes to using the laptop or getting through those locked doors which lead to the staff room -- I understand that you can't give me a fob so I can get around school and into the staff room but I am fine to go into the classroom and teach the children -- Of course it's fine if I eat my dinner in the classroom so you can have a meeting in the staffroom with the rest of the staff whilst you all eat your lunch.

94.  Of course you can borrow a pen, dismantle it and leave the bits on the floor. Would you like a pencil to snap in half too?

95.  Your pen just exploded? We'd better report this danger.

96.  Thanks for writing my first name as well as my surname on my ID badge, it's so much more informal and relaxed if the children keep shouting my first name across the classroom.

97.  Thank you Miss HOD for apologising to the class and asking them to 'bear with us' for having to have me, 'the supply', teach them today in the paid absence (again!) of their timetabled teacher!

98.  Yes, I do understand that the seating plans on the teacher's desk are no longer up-to-date and your teacher has agreed to you all sitting with your friends because you work better that way. S/he just hasn't got round to making new seating plans.

99.  The timetable says break is at 11a.m but it's clearly a misprint because you've just told me that lesson 2 finishes at 10.50.

100.          My mistake! When I told you off about your outrageous behaviour 5 minutes ago and said that it was an official warning, it didn't actually count towards your allowance of 3 allowed misdemeanours per lesson because I was completely out of order in not sign-posting it as C1/2/3 (Consequences) on the school's Sanction system.  The warning is therefore invalid and you may break another school rule with impunity!  It's only fair for your human rights to be safeguarded.

101.          Don't worry that you didn't let me know that child ‘A’ has aspergers/ ADHD/ life threatening condition. I soon worked it out. 

102.          What am I doing for Xmas? Oh I'm off to the Caribbean for a 3 week cruise.

103.          I've had two days in the last month . . . and the grand total of 7 days this term! So yes, I'm becoming expert at being skint - and I love not working! (Bah humbug!)

104.          CRB? What's that? Really? Things have changed since I've been away. Yes that's Myra with a 'y'.

105.          My car? It's an Aston Martin DBS UB-2010 Limited Edition.

106.          To bottom set Yr 9 boys (after putting several of them in detention): You're interested in cars? How wonderful that you are engaged with something!  Perhaps it will lead to engineering work. Of course I'll tell you which car I drive!

107.          Yes Headteacher I'd love to give you some objective, well qualified feedback about how well your systems work for an outsider.

108.          Yes, of course I've read and digested your 28 page (yes 28 page) Child protection policy prior to one days work.

109.          You’re right Kylie, commuting from the far North East of London to the far South West of London is no problem.  It is, after all, still London.

110.          I wouldn't be seen dead buying Sainsbury's Basics.

111.          Where's Wayne? He's just been through my sonic transmogrifier and he's now the third hamster in the hamster cage. I'm not called planetx for nothing.

Thanks to TES Supply Teacher Forum

Originally posted on Wednesday 9th March 2011

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